Baby Hulk ~ Awaiting the Doom and Being Delusionalal

Last Saturday, 12/22 Baby Hulk rolled over, tummy to back. I was in shock. I had to look it up and am still shocked because all I found said 2-3 months for rolling over from tummy to back! He just turned 1 month old on Thursday! Where is the time going!?

 This tiny boy is amazing me all over the place... and that terrifies me. The more good that happens terrifies me for the bad that I feel just has to happen. I am just that kind of person, I am a worrier. It's not just in this situation. I am also terrified a loved one will die. I have never lost ANYONE! My Dad's parents have both passed but they were so old I was more than prepared for it so it wasn't sad. I always just feel like it is only a matter of time before it happens to me. That's how I feel about all of Baby Hulk's accomplishments. It is only a matter of time before one of these tests come back telling me something is wrong. It is only a matter of time before he stops developing any further. So we prove a bunch of people wrong by getting him to breastfeed... what's going to happen? He rolls over earlier than most babies... where is the bad? I know it has to be coming! I can't just enjoy the amazing strides he is making. Every time he impresses me with something new there is that little voice in the back of my head wondering where the inevitable bad will come in.  I hope I get over it because he will have to be tested for things for the rest of his life. I can't go in to every appointment thinking DOOM!!!! Maybe it will become normal... like any other eye exam... bad example.. I am so close to legally blind I am waiting for the doom there as well... Aah! I don't know! I hope I get over my feelings of impending doom.

Another problem with this is: will I accept it if and when it does happen? I am a super stubborn person and in most ways I think that is wonderful. If I weren't this way I would probably still be pumping... or worse I was so exhausted by it after just a week I could totally be feeding Baby Hulk bottles of formula by now. My stubbornness could also hurt me though. I am so stubborn I am not giving up on the chance that Baby Hulk could live a perfectly normal life and never have any kind of problem at all. Like in a seriously delusional kind of way. In my mind he could just look a little different. He will be shorter... but so what! Darling Husband is only 5'6" and I'm 5'2"! He was doomed to be short anyways! And with the advances people are making in medicine in case anything did come up maybe soon they will be able to stop any problems before they even happen! And as for how he does learning wise... honestly, I'm not that smart myself... Well I am but not in a way people can see. If you spoke with me in person I can hardly even form a proper sentence and in middle school I tested learning disabled in math and reading! Although I thought it was bull then and I probably was just too lazy to take whatever test they gave me seriously, I have always been this stubborn I probably saw no benefits in the test and decided making words out of the A B C D multiple choice scantron sheet was more entertaining. Maybe he will just be like me. Smart on the inside, maybe he will make people feel what he is feeling and cry with his writing.  Honestly the only thing I can't come up with a solution for is the fact that most males with down syndrome are sterile. I worry about that. Will he be sad that he can't have children of his own? Would he want children of his own? But it is silly to even be thinking of that!!! It is silly of me to be this delusional in the first place! But I do! I get so crazy with my it could happens. Like the line. Remember when he was born and my midwife showed me the line on his hands? Well the line on my right hand is broken, but the line on my left hand goes all the way across like Baby Hulk's. I keep wondering if it could mean something. When I showed his pediatrician, I can't get the look on her face out of my head. She seemed totally shocked. So then here I am imagining I am some sort of missing piece to the puzzle. Wanting them to do genetic testing on me. Maybe I could DO something! I'm a nutter! A stubborn nutter! It is what I do. I don't let people tell me it can't happen. You don't know that! I like facts and you can't tell me it is a fact that anything bad will happen! I like the FACT that ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! And the anything I like to think of is the best possible outcome.